The Demonisation of The 'Pick Me'

Is it a crime to crave a bit of male validation?

Over the past decade, the term ‘pick me’ has been thrown around all over social media in response to young women being blind to the mistreatment they have received from the men in their lives. Cassie from Euphoria? Pick me. Your boyfriend cheated on you and you still stayed with him? Pick me. It’s a term commonly used by women to comment on the another woman’s ludicrous reasoning to validate her partners torment towards her, wether that involves cheating, emotional manipulation, domestic violence, or just general mistreatment. We see men use the term occasionally, however it doesn’t cut nearly as deep as when another woman uses it. So why is it that we choose to shame and ridicule those in our own community?

In winter 2022, the second series of HBO’s coming of age drama ‘Euphoria’ premiered. Director Sam Levinson made the decision to release each episode on a weekly basis, to ensure that each Sunday, fans from all over the world could take to social media to share their thoughts on the newest episode. From the first episode we see that our blonde sweetheart Cassie, who had been relentlessly objectified by her male acquaintances in the previous season, was hooking up with her best friend’s boyfriend. Fans of the show were of course shocked to see that this beloved character could ever be so selfish, with millions of people online labelling her as a ‘pick me’. As the season came closer to an end, we notice Cassie begin to lose her personal style ands almost completely morph into Maddie, her best friend, who she is now betraying. I’m not saying that Cassie’s behaviour should be validated. But for such a complex character to be labelled so brutally, it completely strips her of any nuance. Cassie is your conventionally attractive, girl next door. She does not stand out in a crowd from the way she carries herself. After being degraded and sexualised from every man in her circle, it’s understandable that she is going to feel lost without any male validation. If that was your best friend, who, through the male gaze, is reduced to nothing but her beauty, which is a constant topic of discussion, would you not feel any sympathy?

Obviously I would not ask for anyone to defend her actions, because to me, sleeping with your best friend’s boyfriend is intolerable in a friendship. But why is her character now labelled as this male-obsessed psycho, when there are so many layers to peel back with her personality? Cassie craves male validation, and it caused her to spiral so much she got with the one boy that was completely off limits for her. She is a terrible friend, but is she really just a ‘pick me’, or more of a victim? Why are putting all our energy into hating on her, and not the fact that as a society women are led to rely on male validation to feel good about themselves?

As women, we live through the male gaze. It’s not realistic to completely decenter yourself from it at a young age. In high school, everyone wants a relationship. If you’ve not had your first kiss, you’re seen as uncool and unwanted. Validation is wanted from everyone when you’re trapped in such a social environment, with no freedom to express yourself. For someone like Cassie, who is a living Barbie doll, you could say she has life easy. She never has to worry about men not wanting to go out with her or giving her any attention. Being sexualised from a young age, and having boys rate photos her body, have given her the mentality that confidence is only gained from being on that social hierarchy you’re on when you receive so much external validation. To validate herself, where would she even start when she’s been taught that validation only comes with having big boobs?

I would never even think to call myself a pick me. However you could say that me and Cassie have shared some similar traits throughout the years. Without male validation I’ve often felt unattractive, and that’s a mentality most women seem to struggle with. Growing up with little to no male attention has made me realise that the patriarchy peeves it’s way into every aspect of a woman’s life. Traditional values regarding same sex relationships, and women relying on a man to provide for her while she washes the dishes, have tarnished the concept of self validation. Without a man giving us love, what are we?

It’s no secret that every woman is affected by the patriarchy. Men are on a social heirachy meaning they are born with an ego that subconsciously causes them to believe they are better than their partner. I am not saying that every man has this mentality, but unless women are being listened to and given the power to use their voice, who is going to encourage the men in the world to sort themselves out? When women share these stories of mistreatment and how their hate their partners, we immediately come together to share our own experiences and provide sympathy. But when a woman can’t see that she’s being treated poorly, and she immediately goes to defend her partner, the community around her begins to crumble. Women are quick to lose respect for other women who can’t see their own worth. It’s a reflection of what they are scared to be, and what treatment they are scared to face. We are so tired of men treated us like we’re inhumane, that when a woman chooses to stay in a relationship where she is being humiliated by her cheating husband, it makes us angry. If her husband cheated on her, why is she socially superior to me just because she has a ring on her finger?

I understand that we're terrified of nuance, but we should allow ourselves to sympathise with problematic characters. By putting down other women, for allowing themselves to be mistreated by men in an era where ‘girl boss’ feminism unfortunately still seeps its way into social commentary, we aren’t celebrating female power. We’re allowing ourselves to be jealous over women that choose to remain blissfully ignorant to the patriarchal values that are cemented into their marriage. Of course we dislike women who love their cheating boyfriends. Their self worth comes down to the stability of the validation they receive from their partner, and that’s giving into the patriarchy, right? It’s feminism, so they say.